Moderator: (First softball question) President Obama, you inherited a terrible economy from George Bush, and many Republicans have been critical of you for not
turning it around. But given the limitations of working with a partisan Congress, do you think we would have been much further down the road to recovery if your policies had been adopted?
Obama: Well, actually … uh … we did have a Democrat Congress the first two years
and we did get everything we wanted. It juuussstt didn’t work … ah … could I get a glass of water up here. I seem to be having trouble with my throat.
Moderator: (Trying to help) But you were concentrating on healthcare legislation,
and the economy was a lot worse than you thought, right?
Obama: Actually, neither me nor anyone on my staff knows diddly about economics. We’ve only worked at college and government jobs … (hack, hack) … what’s in this water anyway … uh, I what I really mean to say is … er … what was the question
Moderator: (Not believing what he’s hearing) Yes, but what about the $800 billion Stimulus Bill. That was what saved the economy from a depression, and saved the car companies and the banks, and created 4 million shovel-ready jobs, if you recall sir. Wouldn’t it have been much worse without your brilliant bailouts?
Obama: Are you serious? That money went to my stash to share with the teachers’ and auto workers’ unions, and my buddies at Goldman Sachs and Solyndra. How am I supposed to get re-elected if I don’t take care of my peeps? Somebody help me … please … Umm … can we go to another question?
Moderator: (Now panicking) Look, this economy isn’t your fault, OK! You saved our country from financial calamity. Now stop being so modest. As a follow-up question, let me ask how you managed to get the unemployment rate down during the past two years from 11% to barely 8%?
Romney: Hey, am I going to get any questions?
Moderator: Shut up, Mitt!
Obama: Well, ah … those unemployment numbers … they’re really jury-rigged you know …you see, the real rate is about 20%. The only reason it’s 8% is … aahh … because there are so many fewer people in the workforce than there were a couple years ago, not because more people are working. The truth is … umh… this is the lowest percentage of people working since the Great Depression, and … man, I need a break. Can we take a break?
Moderator: (Showing his disgust) We’ve got 70 million people watching on live TV all
over the nation. So no, we can’t take a break. Now just answer the question!
Obama: I’m doing the best I can.
Moderator: (Trying to save him) Well, if the rich would just pay their fair share, don’t you think it would stimulate the economy?
Romney: I’d like to take a crack at that question.
Moderator: Whatever …
Romney: You see, if you punish small business by overtaxing them, then …
Moderator: Mr. President, do you have a response?
Romney: I haven’t finished …
Moderator: I’ll be the judge of when you’re finished. Go ahead Mr. President?
Obama: Well, … er … taxing the rich won’t help the economy at all. I just said that because Karl Marx and I think it’s a matter of fairness and social justice, and we should redistribute their money to everyone else. And … and … uh, let’s not just stop here, we owe it to those poor Muslim countries to spread the wealth around. And … uh … yeah,
while we’re at it let’s levy a carbon tax on all of us rich, evil nations who pollute the planet, and give up our guns and our sovereignty to the U.N., and … ah …
Moderator: Thank you, Mr. President.
Obama: But I’m not done.
Moderator: Yes you are. Let’s move on to social issues. Mr. President, you claim to be a Christian, yet you have received unjust criticism from some quarters about your position on moral issues such as gay marriage, abortion, and Israel. Could you explain?
Romney: Look, I’ve barely had a chance to …
Moderator: When I want you to open your big fat Mormon pie hole, I’ll slap you upside your perfect hair, and wipe the gel off on your $90 shirt. You’re being a Bain in the butt. Hey, … that’s funny. Get it … a Bain in the …
Obama: Dude, you rock. That was so awesome. As for my position on those issues, I … uh … believe … with all my heart… er …that the right to marry is … universal to all God’s creatures … straights, gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transgenders, … and .. yeah, and why stop there … why not animals too … it’s all good! And Mitt, I’m feelin’ you bro’ with that polygamy stuff the Mormons do, you know …
Romney: That’s ancient history.
Obama: That’s what’s wrong with you conservatives, man. You can’t live in the past, this is 2016.
Moderator: I know you meant 2012.
Obama: Yea, right … all 57 states in every time zone recognize it.
Moderator: Let’s move on, about abortion and Israel …?
Obama: Obamacare will pay for all the abortions‘cause we can’t afford to have all these people in our health care system, and the death panels will take care of them old folks on the other end. As for that racist Israel, they can kiss my ….
Moderator: I think we’re done here.
Romney: But the debate is supposed to last …
Moderator: We’ll take a commercial break, and be back in 45 minutes ….. Where’s
my Vallium? Is this microphone on ….?